Overcoming Resentment After Baby and Learning to Work Together

Having a baby is hard on all relationships, especially the one between partners. Even the strongest relationship endures a lot of stress after the arrival of a new baby.

I remember thinking before baby, “My husband and I have a solid relationship, we’ll be good!” We do have a strong relationship… AND… having a baby rocked our world and our relationship in ways we could have never expected.

I’d like to talk about one feeling we may have towards our partner after having a baby that is very common but not talked about enough. Resentment. It can be common to resent your partner for a variety of reasons.

For example, you may feel resentful because your partner gets to go back to work while you stay home with baby, you may feel your partner gets more free time, you may feel your partner gets more rest, you may feel your partner has a stronger connection with baby, etc.

So, what do we do when we are feeling resentful so we don’t end up exploding at our partner?

Step 1: Identify what you are feeling resentful about and what the underlying feeling is.

Step 2: What’s the underlying need you have?

Step 3: Communicate this clearly and directly to your partner using “I” statements.

For example, the other day I was feeling resentful towards my husband as I was trying to put the baby down for bed, she was fussy, and he was sitting on the couch relaxing. My initial thought was, “Man that must be nice to just relax on the couch while I’m over here about to lose my mind!” lol. Pause. Time to check in with myself.

Step 1 in action: What I was really feeling in that moment was overwhelmed and kind of helpless.

Step 2 in action: What I needed was his help. I needed him to step in and give me a break so I could regulate myself.

Step 3 in action: I said, “Hey babe, I’m feeling really overwhelmed with trying to put her down for bed and I need a break to step outside. Can you step in and help get the baby down while I take a break?”

He jumped right in to action and said, “Of course.” 5 minutes later baby was fast asleep, and my resentment was gone. I felt relieved, supported, and understood.

It has taken my husband and I lots of practice to get to this point and we are not perfect! We don’t always get it right like this. But with practice and a willingness to turn towards one another, instead of against each other in times of distress, we have grown closer together and work as a team in parenting.

Author: Alex Steric, LCSW and mom of two rambunctious girls